Where to go from here?

 

What would you say if we told you we are going to leave Ecuador?

Some people said ‘I never thought you were going to stay there anyway. It had its purpose probably for the time you were there…’

Others said (or thought) ‘you are crazy anyway, so it is not a surprise.’

And; ‘I never understood your reasoning’s anyway and I still don’t.’

So it seems we were the only ones who thought we were going to be here for years.

What would you reply when we would say that there is not ONE country in the world that ‘draws’ us and that we don’t know where to go from here?
Would you be surprised if we would say that we don’t know what our next step should be and that we can only look as far as the next day?

 

Well, we are surprised to have ended up in this position.

 

Last week, after the outcome of the courtcase, I got the surprising message out of meditation that I should appeal.
I could not see on basis of what I should appeal and how I could possibly hope to win an appeal. A dear colleague, who also represented me on the day of the courtcase - Rebekka- agreed to be my discussion partner to try and figure this out.

She is a totally different person from me and sometimes we really don’t understand each other whatsoever. But this was exactly what I needed for bouncing off on. In her opinion there was no good basis for an appeal; especially if I wanted to do it for the ‘good case’ and not for myself. Because the only thing I could get out of it was getting reduction of the sentence. And what good would that do for the case of autonomy?
But I, having a ‘go in appeal’ out of meditation, thought there must be a way, I just didn’t see it yet.

It helped me to get a bit more insight about the ‘go in appeal’ the day after. I could see how it would make the circle round in myself. How it would decently end what it was I had been doing in the Netherlands over the past 5 years. Otherwise it felt it ended ‘open’, not finished in ‘me’.

We, Rebekka and I, discussed for days, spread over different time-zones. Waking up with a voicemessage from her, she waking up with a voicemessage from me.
It was very intense and emotional for me and sometimes I was very angry and frustrated.  I lay awake at night, thinking, brooding, mulling over it. It felt like my head was in a mist. I just couldn’t see it. I had nightmares. Even nightmares from my youth came back. So even if I wasn’t getting ‘it’, it was definitely getting me.
After a week of this, I got a clear picture of what would not work and why. And I could see that the only way to win this, would be if I would ask the client to support me. Because the problem is, that I worked exactly the way I worked (which was VERY different for every client) based on what they asked of me. It was individually tailored care. On the millimetre precise. The problem with working this way, is that ONLY the client can say whether this was the case. Nobody else.
The night I figured this out, it was a relief. But it also felt like a balloon deflating. I suddenly did not see the use of going into appeal anymore?!  Now that I knew how to go about it ( I could also see a way to incorporate the way ‘the field’ was not capable of handling autonomy, which made it impossible to work ‘in’ the field with autonomous women), it was somehow ‘done’?

The next morning I felt the same way. When I meditated, it was reflected in meditation. I had gone the circle inside of me without ‘doing’ seemingly anything outwardly. It was done.
So no appeal.

 

Weeks ago Nikki and JF had left Ecuador. They had not found a place they wanted to stay. They went to Chili to continue their search of a place (at least in Chili JF could grow wine for instance). After Chili they tried Argentina. Nothing resonated. They still had to fill a time-gap before going back to France for a wedding (next week).

Nikki sat and looked at Google Earth and concluded, like me, that the Earth seemed to have shrunk. As if it had gotten to the size of your back pocket and there was no ‘unknown, exiting ’ territory to explore anymore.
But at some point she felt a ‘pull’ again. And her pull was to Spain. Malaga to be precise. They invited us to come there as well.

I got other invitations after the last blog. People reading the blog could already sense our ‘unsettledness’ and ‘not knowing’ and invited us to country’s or area’s where they were thriving and maybe so would we? Thank you, thank you! To those people, you know who you are. J

First we had thought we would go back to the Netherlands for the appeal (But we will still visit the Netherlands somewhere in this process to kiss and hug some family and friends!), then we looked the flight prices up and it was MUCH cheaper to fly over Spain (half the price!!) and then Nikki and JF invited us to come to Spain. They would pick us up at the airport with a car which still has to be bought, to take us to either a rental they had found, or a piece of land they would have their eye on.

Since we have met, our processes have seemed so similar. We run into the same smelly mess, even over distance. And in the process of Eric wanting to live out his creativity, he found JF on that same note. So JF had it already figured out; buy land in Spain and build a house. Yes!
We also found, the four of us, that making plans seemed a thing of the past. Living in the now and not knowing shit was the new way to go. Apparently.
Nice to have plans, but most likely things would take a totally different turn.

And these meditation outcomes! Years ago they would count for years. Now they can count for 10 minutes or maybe a day or a week, but everything after is blurred. Eric felt almost like we were betrayed by our own meditation outcomes. He would like A LOT more steadiness then what we were getting now.
And I can’t agree more…

On the other hand; we couldn’t ‘think it up’ either. No idea what we wanted or what was the best plan.

 

 

In our practical life we still enjoy the home-schooling process. Especially since I deviated from biology to chemistry to start on the basis structures of matter (otherwise the workings of the human body seemed too empty for me) and maybe I will deviate further into quantum physics if it goes that way (simply because I like it!).
Eric has been giving the basics of the workings of electricity and has put some practise lessons in there, on how to use a voltage device, etc. The kids were very interested.
And between all that; Spanish and Maths and cooking classes of course. And Mar has picked up her lonely and dusty guitar again.

Our car has been thoroughly cleaned and stands for sale now. Yesterday some people came to look at it and at other things we are selling.

We met some of the neighbours and went on a walk with them and were invited for a beer (they talk English quite well). The other neighbour is constantly trying to get us to walk up the mountain behind our house. We’ve started this walk 3 times, but we had to give up half way. The altitude and steepness is too much. So we walk the other way, which is more ‘level’.
It is very clear in her demeanour that she thinks we are pussy’s, but is too friendly to express this openly in her rapid Spanish.
But other than that, our social life is very quiet.

When the car is sold we will take the next step, which is; book a ticket.