A year of unanswered questions.

When I look back at this year in Ecuador and what the hell the purpose of being here actually was, I can only see a lot of questions. I have also been contemplating a lot of questions about my life throughout this year.

I used to pride myself on my ability to answer questions. I had an enormous drive to answer questions, even. And I would GET answers. Either out of meditation or from other people.

For someone who has the urge to answer all questions, not knowing the future is, for instance, very hard. I have visited several psychics over my life to get them to answer questions about my future, so I could rest assured in having answered all possible questions. I remember one of these psychics telling me he actually got the message from my higher self that it was not so good for me to know too many answers. I didn't like that answer, obviously. And also it gave me more questions. Because WHY was it not good? Huh?

However, since we left for Ecuador, my answering ability seems to have gone to a place I can't reach it anymore.

I remember during the courses that I gave, I used to say to my colleagues; 'It is good when you don't know. It is good to doubt. Doubt is the first step to change. Because when you are sure about something, you can only see that which you are sure about. And when you doubt, you start seeing more. A new world opens up to you and more becomes possible.' And, even though I know it to be true, it is a very uncomfortable place to be. To not know where you stand anymore. And what to think of a whole year of that?

I also remember Eric getting annoyed when I would know something 'for sure'. 'How do you know for sure? You might change your opinion in 10 minutes.' 'No, not on this', I would say. 'This I know for sure.' Hahaha!

And some time later (10 minutes, a day, a year) I would have a different 'knowing'.

So me, priding myself in knowing 'the' answers, don't actually know (or knew) 'the' answers: I just had the (very nice!) illusion to know answers. And they might have been, temporarily, answers. But not 'the' answers. Not answers that speak of eternal universal truths (if those even exist!).

So maybe I should say; 'the illusion of knowing answers, has shattered this year.'

I am presuming that there is a reason (and therefore an answer) to everything. Maybe that is not true and all is random. But I don't see that. We are doing chemistry at the moment, with the homeschooling. And it all seems very purposefull, into the smallest particles. When I meditate there is 'nothing'. But outside of this 'nothing', the stream of particles seem to move in a certain way. Not random.

The questions I have asked myself this year, are the following:

Why did I end up being prosecuted in such an aggressive way? Thinking that energy can only attract similar energy, this would mean that I have been aggressive in a way. I do know that I haven't been honest with myself about working 'IN a system', but not 'WITH the system' (actually even against the system; maybe that is aggressive?). I know that I have felt I should have stopped, because I wasn't feeling in sync with my work anymore. But was I aggressive? 

I was arrogant, thinking my way was the only way.  And I still am arrogant in that way. Is that a form of aggression maybe? Because I send out this very strong and persuasive hologram about what I think to be 'right' and ' righteous' that overpowers others, maybe? 

I have no answer. It still seems extreme and over the top, what came at me. Or maybe it had to come at me this extreme for me to start doing something else? 

None of my made-up answers resonate fully.

Why Ecuador? It came out of meditation -and seeing that following my mind or wishes had only led to unwanted outcomes- why not follow meditation? And for a long time following this as a guide in life brought me a lot of good. It made life make sense. But Ecuador hasn't made sense yet, to me. I can only say I have become seperated from the system again. This has happened to us when we emigrated to NZ as well.  And maybe I needed to seperate myself from the system again.

It also gave me a physical distance from the Netherlands and the court case, which might have had a protective function. It all felt very far away. But other then that? Question marks.

And another thing I have been contemplating; upon leaving the Netherlands I was determined to 'beat' the side-effects of the menopauze. Since arriving in the Netherlands in 2012, slowly my periods started to skip. Over the last 2 years I can count the amount of periods I've had, on one hand. The night sweats became a nuisance. And I decided they were entirely unnecessary and I would find a way to let them go.

This last year I have been meditating a lot. I 'felt into my body' much more frequent then I ever did. I found out I can feel my uterus sitting there (among other parts of me that I can also feel). It feels like she is sad. As if she doesn't know her place anymore. 'What am I doing here? What is my function in life?' Comes up when I focus on her. She used to have a function when I could get pregnant. And she found another function when I worked as a midwife; she used to connect to the uterusses (is that a word?) around, apparently and feel life being created. She used to feel 'needed' in a way, because she was somehow assisting- or at least part of or a witness to - this process.

This comes in images when meditating and sort of 'talking' with her as if 'she' is 'not me' (which of course, she is).

But now there is none of that. Grandchildren could make her happy, seeing creation through creation, in which she can see her own necessity of the past again in the 'now', as evidence playing out around her. But it doesn't look like this will happen any time soon. She seems sad (as far as an organ can hold emotion) and I don't know how to help her. She is used to creating and I don't have anything to create for her anymore. And I don't even know if it can become a physical problem when a uterus is sad. Does she create myomes maybe to have the idea of at least creating, then? At the moment she has not created anything physical that isn't supposed to be there, as far as I can tell. But it doesn't feel good that she is sad, because she is 'me', or at least a part of me. And when I meditate I can feel the sadness in that area of my body.

My ovary's have, for some reason, also decided the time has come to let the remaining fertile eggs just remain uselessly in there. All due to a hormonal change which will make my system switch from being 'female' to more 'androgyn'. It will make me change from oxytocin to androgens slowly. More 'male' in a way.

Why?

I used to wonder why we (the women's collective) ever decided, through evolution, that periods were a necessity for survival. I haven't anwered that question yet. In my opinion they are unnecessary. I think we should be able to decide when we want to release an egg.

Why the unnecessary bloodloss/energyloss? Some people think we release toxins in this blood- and therefore that must be its use- but we have so many other ways to release toxins! I think the information in our genes, that has been passed over for centuries, should have amounted to a much more empowered life form then we actually are. Why have we not changed these things? And why did they come into existance in the first place?

And if we were made, why was it done to us? I like to think we have some power of this, even if we would be made. Either by God (in this context I mean it as; something else then me) or through some alien experiment. Eventhough we might not yet know how to 'steer' this power. 

I have the believe that I 'am' God. That we all are God.  It is just very boring to be 'Absolute' and therefore we decided to create some illusions and some relativity, which is only interesting if you truly believe in it. Which we do. But when you dive into chemistry and realize everything exists out of mostly empty space and hardly any 'matter', then you wonder. 

And why did't we see a benefit of remaining fertile untill death? Why did we create a part in life where we make a change to a more male-hormone based system? Did we want to experience both female and male life in 1 lifetime? Did we feel it was pertinent to our survival as a women to do this?

Why have I started gaining weight since the start of menopauze? It seems, when I go into it in meditation, that it has a purpose. But I can't find it. Sometimes I see this fat female goddes figure from a long time ago in my minds eye when I meditate and think 'does the information in my genes think I will be more respected and have more 'reason for being' when I look like this figure at this time period in my life?'

No answer.

When I look at other organs or parts of my body, I had a huge shock this last year.

All my life my head has always been seperate from my body, through the eye of my awareness (because of course I have a neck that connects both, haha). When I would meditate I could feel the inside of my head, but going down there was a 'nothingness' untill I could feel my shoulders again. I could feel my neck till about just under my throath.

I have lots of theories about this, that I thought were answers. Like; In a previous life my head was chopped off, in another life I was strangled, etc. I mean; you have to die in some way, right? Presuming the flashes of other lives and other experiences that I had are not just me connecting to a general consciousness and picking things up from others.

So suddenly, during a meditation at the end of last year, the nothingness between my head and shoulders was gone. There was awareness possible in the space I never managed to see.

Now, when I meditate I can 'look' inside my head and follow my body all the way down into my toes. This is actually amazing, although it feels normal now.

And what brought this about? Your bet is as good as mine.

We can say it is because of some external energy that is part of a large energy-change that we hope is coming about. We have to hope this, because the alternative is continuing to live in circumstances that become increasingly unlivable and hopeless.

But we don't actually know this for a fact. Only looking back in some hopeful future we can see a giant change has taken place and all of humanity has become more aware of herself.

Maybe.

There were many more questions, but for now I would like to share these.

For me, looking back, the biggest change over this year seems to be, that I am starting to care less about not knowing the answers.

I don't know what we will do in Spain and IF we will even do anything there. And I don't care.

THAT is new. 

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