Looking at a piece of land with Nikki and JF and their kids. Far too steep, but great views.
Plenty of time.
It’s been a crazy time. No other words for it.
But hey; we are in Spain. We are (still) alive. That is the good part.
The amount of ‘bad luck’ (or things not going at all) has been enormous.
There are many ways to look at his. For one: Is it bad luck? Or is it good luck, because it forces you in another direction?
And maybe your previous direction was not the right direction?
Whatever it is, it sure felt shitty. Rotten. Terrible. Tiring.
So, being a bunch of particles that have the illusion of being a whole being called Tanja, searching for direction. Getting all
the particles to agree on a goal, a direction. So that all these particles can start moving to and attracting something useful.
Something wanted.
I will tell you something;
When we left Australia and arrived in the Netherlands things ran a whole lot smoother. I would simply sit and meditate on any
choice we needed to make and follow the answer. Things were so spot on, even Eric started to trust my meditation outcomes and
simply follow them. No need to worry, no need to think.
I was a bit like the guy in the ‘yes man’ book. He decided to say yes to everything. What I did was; I would sit, meditate, ask
questions and obey the answers. That included things I didn’t really want to do. If out of meditation came the answer that I
should do a certain thing, wanted or not -sometimes even feared- I would do it. It required courage. But I developed so much
trust in this, that it actually required less and less courage.
This navigation system has now become dysfunctional.
In the last year before leaving Ecuador I received less and less answers through meditation and during the Ecuador year and on
arriving in Spain it hasn’t returned either.
It reminds me a bit of someone having a near death experience. They always write how hard it was to have returned into this
physical, loud, smelly and flawed existence. How much they wanted to return to the state they entered after ’death’.
I want it back, my guidance system, but it is not coming back.
A few days ago Eric and I were sitting in the living room of an Airbnb on the South Coast of Spain, under Granada. It was hot
and humid. We were, once again, not sure why things were not running well. Why we couldn’t find a car to buy, why the Airbnb we
chose was far away from everything and we were wasting money on cabs, why we couldn’t find a more steady place to live. Why
this, why that. And where oh where to go? What to do? Which choice to make?
Beer joined us in the living room. He started wondering, together with us, where all the bad luck was coming from. Were we in
the wrong place? Doing the wrong thing? Should we not stay in Spain? Should we go to a different location in Spain?
Nikki and JF were here and wanted to look only in this area, but maybe it was not the right area for us? Maybe we needed to
find a place ourselves?
Beer kept coming back to the ‘why’. Why is it not running well?
We talked about a lot of things. About us, the 5 of us, not really being together with our head in the same direction, about
our feeling of disappointment after Ecuador, our lack of trust in ourselves and each other as a result of this last year. We
looked at all these uncomfortable things.
Beer said; we need a leader. We need a leader who follows her or his dream.
And then it clicked. It all clicked into place for me:
I had been the leader for a long time. I had steered us toward New Zealand. When I got burned out, I steered us to Australia.
And even though Eric was the one who instigated our return to the Netherlands, I laid out the path of how I wanted to live and
work in the Netherlands. Thereby steering to the place we would live, where the kids would go to school, etc. I ‘received’ a
dream. A goal. Which I resisted enormously by the way. And that goal was setting up a midwifery practice in autonomy.
My guideline to achieve this, was meditation.
Other people will be guided by their feelings. I needed to meditate to access the feelings that were void of fear and therefore
the best ones to follow for me, for us.
Since around January 2017 I hardly managed to tune into my guideline anymore. It became harder and harder. I believed I still
had a goal after I left my previous goal behind me. And that new goal was setting up a community in Ecuador.
As soon as it became clear to me in the first few months in Ecuador that this community was not something I could create- since
it needed to create itself-, and since I no longer felt any strong goal or direction, I could no longer lead.
And when I stopped leading, no one took over.
Beer said that he had felt that void and that it was becoming stronger over the last year and that he had been considering
taking the role. He said he did feel a certain desire to lead (helped by his star sign of Aries), but he lacked a goal. He
lacked a dream. He knew a dream is needed to be a good leader.
Which one of us has a clear dream? Right; Eric. He has had this very simple but very clear dream for ages now. He just wants to
build a house. Nothing complicated, nothing fancy. Just build a house and create a nice surrounds around us. And maybe built
even more than one house, so other people could enjoy it too and it could provide some income.
So Eric was the one who should lead us. In Ecuador, but also here in Spain. Anywhere. His time had come.
And that is where the hard part came in; how to transition from one role to another within the same relationship? I tend to
lead quite naturally. And everyone tends to look at me to do this. I have also gained a lot of confidence in this role within
our family. And I don’t feel very confident NOT being in this role.
Eric has a very strong intuition, but he doesn’t trust it very well. And I remember it took me a while to trust my meditation
outcomes, so it is not surprising that it takes time. He is very insecure when it all comes down to him and he has to ‘jump’
(mustering courage) and show us the way.
But all 3 of us felt, in that moment- in the hot and humid living room of an Airbnb -that that was what was needed. From
the moment this became clear, things started changing. Instantly. All particles suddenly knew where to go.
We went out –not even an hour later- and bought a car and everything ran smoothly.
Off course we all need time to adjust. We all have trouble with having faith in ourselves (which is all that is needed to
actually get anywhere), me in my new role of not leading (what to do then?), the kids in looking at their father for answers,
Eric in making the decisions. Thank goodness we have time. Babysteps.
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