Yesterday, Saturday, we came together, the 5 of us, Beer, JF, Nikki, Eric and me. We are nearing our self-decided deadline of
when we need to have found a land we all like. This deadline will be at the end of this year.
As I wrote in my last blog, we (Eric, Beer and me) are connected to the land in Valle de Lecrin (video 2 blogs ago) and they
(Nikki, JF) are happy to live on a land North of Granada.
When we started the talking, I suggested everyone got the space to say completely what they want to say, without interruption
(unless it would be a question for clarification). This brought a lot of understanding for each other.
It became clear where we really differ. It comes down to (Nikki correct me by mail if I don’t capture it):
We (Eric, Beer, me) choose land/navigate through our life by following our feeling.
They (Nikki, JF) choose land based on practical reasons, although they also navigate on feeling with lots of choices.
Somehow the difference is blocking the land choice. Why? Because they see practical difficulties(and maybe don't have a
feeling?) in the land we like and we can’t ‘feel’ the land they like.
Our life processes are seemingly very different (but are they, I wonder?).
For us, letting go of our feeling and settling for ‘this is workable, so let’s do it’, has never worked well.
In fact; for me, my whole life seems to come down to letting go of more ‘unclearness/untruths/fears/bullshit’ and be as true as
possible. And it would not be 'true' to ‘settle’ for something.
Also in my viewpoint the fact that the land we all like isn’t coming, is a sign of us not being on 1 line. And we should never
settle for that.
I realize I might be very rigid in this. But to me it would feel like taking many steps back in my life to choose to ‘settle’
for something, when I know we can achieve so much more.
Like my autonomy work; I tried to never let my fear or the fear of my surroundings keep me from doing what I felt was right.
Later I realized I hadn’t really seen myself completely and that I was partly untrue in my work. That didn't end up as a nice
experience, seeing how it all ended. But I can accept that I am not ‘perfect’ in this. However; once I do see my fears and
mistakes, I will do it differently. I am quite black and white in this. There is a clear cut-off point for me in where it feels
right or it doesn’t feel right. And a little bit right falls under ‘not right’.
Another example in when it comes to money; Nikki once asked me what I would do when our money would completely run out and we
couldn’t fall back on anything. I found that very hard to imagine as a real possibility in this life. But when I did imagine
it, I knew I could not just take ‘any’ job, so we wouldn’t starve. I couldn’t sit behind the register at a supermarket or work
for a boss in general. I would probably just let myself die on the spot. Because I can’t see the point of my life then
anymore.
What is the point when you are living in a situation that doesn’t reflect who you would like to be, or who you thought you are?
A situation like having no money and working behind a register would reflect a ‘me’ that is not a ‘me’ I can relate to. And I
wouldn’t see the point of life anymore, as a consequence.
When I put it like that it might sound rigid, idiotic and unimaginable. But I am not afraid of death. I am actually living
because I see a point in living. Not because I am accidently here and I might as well get on with it. I used to look at life
that way (as accidently being here and just getting on with it), but that has changed. And I don’t want to go back to where I
previously stood with this. I live because I see that there is a lot yet I don’t know and I want to know. I am living
because I feel I am evolving, still.
I am not attached enough to life in this plane to settle for something less (Hey and I am not saying that working behind a
register can’t be fun. I hope what I wrote shows what I mean with this).
When it comes down to buying land, I realize the land in itself is not interesting; the process is interesting. And the process
will bring us the solution. So what are we not seeing? What are we not doing? Are the questions that remain for me.
It might be that one of the lands we have seen till now IS the right land, but we simply are not able to see it yet, as a
group?
Lots of questions.
It was not nice to come to the conclusion we might not be able to continue together as a group. And for one family or the other
to go for less than they want, is not a solution I am willing to accept.
So…exciting times.
On our way home from the spot in the park we had been talking, Nikki and I realized something: In a marriage/relationship your
energies start ‘overlapping’. They merge, even unconsciously. In that way you know what the other thinks or feels in a
subconscious way. You slowly, over time, start to get on one level in certain things. The fact that you both like a certain
house, the fact that you raise your kids a certain way. It might be that it is mainly what 1 of the 2 really likes or does, but
the other is ok with it, follows it and supports it. And the other might even, at some point, also choose it.
Maybe THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE GROUP WORK is doing this in a group as well: making the energies overlap at times?
Not only do we really want to work together because we click on so many levels and love each other, but also we would like to
solve the problem of ‘how to make a group work’.
A big project, I know.
Especially since I have NEVER seen a group work. And when groups don’t work, they implement rules to cover up that fact. So any
group with rules is by definition showing it isn’t working. Necessity for rules show that you don’t trust each other to do ‘the
right thing’. And without trust any group is just some dysfunctional people, being together, not striving to face anything or
to evolve to anything else.
To look at this more and see what we can create together, Nikki and I will get together to see what separates us, what can
bring us on 1 level and how to maintain our individuality at the same time.
So we still have 2 weeks to get somewhere…
Wish us luck!
In the meantime enjoying great weather, doing lots of walks, meeting up with people we met here. Mar and Lem went to an
ice-skating day, organised by Nikki, for teenagers to meet and eat together after. When we picked Lem and Mar up, they had a
really great time and couldn’t stop talking about it. Under here a movie of Lem and Mar 'skating'.
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